“TRUTH about his 25-year marriage!” screams the magazine notorious for tearing apart the private lives of public figures with innuendo, speculation and fabrication.
Is the ‘Globe’ poised to reveal the sordid truth behind the Fox News pundit's secret dealings as Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s “third client”?
Are they lifting the lid on last year's allegation that he sexually harassed a Fox News guest, never having her on his show again after she refused to go back to his hotel room?
Will they expose the hypocrisy of the man who secretly used a group of shell companies to buy more than 870 homes across America with the help of HUD funds, while on air attacking President Obama for supporting those funds?
Dream on.
There’s no mention of Cohen or the sex harassment allegation in the “Special Report” from the tabloid which serves as an unofficial mouthpiece for President Trump, and until recently used Michael Cohen as its conduit between Trump and its pages.
The “truth” about Hannity’s marriage?
He’s “a family man, who’d rather spend his off-hours with wife Jill Rhodes and their kids . . . "
Truly shocking.
Not that the ‘Globe’ is afraid to take on the scandal of Hannity’s real estate dealings.
“Sean is proud of the fact that he has put his money in areas that badly need investment,” says an unnamed source.
If that isn’t holding the rich and powerful accountable, I don’t know what is.
The ‘Globe’ sheds its investigative mantle so thoroughly that its cover brazenly hails Hannity as the “Most Powerful Man in America!” explaining in the story that “He has Trump’s ear in a way that few others do.”
It’s true, the president and the pundit are known to chat regularly, a level of influence that might rightly spark concern and investigative journalism, rather than this sycophantic whitewash seemingly designed to curry favor with both its subject and the White House.
The ‘Globe’ even helpfully explains Fox News’ poster boy’s success: “Hannity hit it big by bashing lamebrained liberal losers."
Well, that certainly seems fair and balanced.
As is the ‘National Enquirer’ cover which carries a warning from a relative of the newest member of the British Royal Family: “Meghan Will Be Murdered Like Diana!”
As so often happens, once we open the rag, the story inside takes a less alarming, and more pleading tone: “Markle Family Warns Queen: Don’t Kill Meghan Like Diana!”
The story plunges down several tabloid rabbit holes at once, beginning with the assumption that Princess Diana was murdered by the British Royal Family because of her relationship with Muslim millionaire Dodi Fayed, and then assuming that Meghan’s half-brother, Thomas Markle Jr., has written a letter to Her Majesty the Queen saying it would be “sad to see Meg’s dreams broken if she were to fail in her new position and disappear from the Royal family.”
Not exactly a plea to the Queen not to kill his half-sister, but then Mr. Markle Jr. helpfully explains to the ‘Enquirer,' in language that bears the heavy thumbprint of a tabloid editor, “We fear this can only end in heartbreak and disaster – just like Diana!”
It’s a story concocted from thin air, and it seems highly likely that money may have exchanged hands for the ‘Enquirer’ to receive a copy of the hand-written letter to the Queen. Did Her Majesty send them the letter? Of course not. It was most likely written for the benefit of the ‘Enquirer,’ and perhaps mailed to Buckingham Palace as an after-thought.
Scientology comes in for a double-dose of attack from this week’s ‘Enquirer,’ and though the cult makes for a large and easy target, the tabloid stretches the limits of credulity from force of habit.
In its story about church follower Tom Cruise, under the headline "Cult Plans to Bring Tom Back From Dead,” the ‘Enquirer claims that his entourage includes a “Scientology shaman who can zap him back to life with the touch of a finger in case he croaks!”
That’s the claim of “church sources and a well-placed mole.” Right.
The ‘Enquirer’ fares little better with its two-page spread on “Scientology’s Secret Attack on U.S. Government!” The story claims that the cult infiltrated government agencies and amassed an arsenal of weapons to raid government offices.
This “Exclusive FBI Bombshell” under the banner of “News” might be more impressive if it wasn’t lifted from FBI files exposed 41 years ago, reporting on seizures back in 1977. Isn’t news supposed to be, well . . . new?
The ‘National Examiner’ revisits its favorite well-worn trope with a cover story about celebrities’ “Sad Last Days!” This week’s lucky winners are Tom Selleck, Joan Collins, Julie Andrews, Sidney Poitier and Carol Channing, all of whom seem to have committed the offense of living long lives, and therefore must be within moments of kicking the bucket. Without shame, the ‘Examiner’ includes in the list 101-year-old Kirk Douglas, which is like shooting fish in a barrel, even though he has topped these lists for the past 25 years, and shows no sign of stopping.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Rachel Bilson wore it best, that actress Sanaa Lathan puts Raisinets in her popcorn, that Katie Stevens carries Advil, Zyrtec and a St Anthony pendant in her Status Anxiety backpack, and that the stars are just like us: they eat, drink, carry packages and dress casually for flights. Without this valuable weekly pictorial, how would we ever know?
Onwards and downwards . . .
