Have you vomited uncontrollably and at such length as to leave you shaking and in tears lately? Try it! Amazon can help by shipping you vintage milk, “Used & New” from $45.
For $75 a gallon, seller “Yog Sothoth” promises “Aged. A different brand of milk may be substituted if Tuscan is currently unavailable. If you only want Tuscan Whole please mention that on your order, but understand that it may delay shipment. The product will NOT be refrigerated. No refunds, no returns once product is sent.”
You can upgrade to the $185-a-gal Californian “Vintage 2011. None finer at any price,” but true salmonella sommeliers settle for nothing less than the $217 classic: “I DRANK SOME DIRECTLY FROM THE JUG.”
If you’re thinking this is some kind of joke, well, how dare you. When we first posted about Amazon vintage Milk a decade ago, there were only a handful of reviews. There are now thousands and all of them are very happy with their purchase.
This was by far the freshest milk I have ever tasted. It still had that ‘new milk smell’. I poured some in strategic spots in my house and car, so I can enjoy the smell for weeks to come.
Some are so delighted by it they are driven to poetry.
Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts ‘N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
‘Bad condensor, that,’ I muttered, ‘vibrating the icebox door –
Only this, and nothing more.’
Another relates their sadness at a domestic partner’s disenchantment.
Over dinner that night I casually inserted,”What happened to the milk?”
“Oh,”he smiled sheepishly, glancing aside,”I guess I forgot today.”
That was when I knew. He was tired of this life with me, tired of bringing home the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz. He was probably shoveling funds into a secret bank account, looking at apartments in town, casting furtive glances at cashiers and secretaries and waitresses. That’s when I knew it was over. Some time later he moved in with a cashier from the Food Mart down the street. And me? Well, I’ve gone soy.
There are also hundreds of useful questions and answers.
Question: If I spill it, can I cry?
Answer: If you do it is best to cry either next to it or below it. Crying over it is useless.
One day all this will be gone, blown away by winds of change.
I’ll leave you with a classic UK comedy sketch by Hugh Dennis, in character as Milky Milky.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXMapqiDsqs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-x-GuKK9OGM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zW130HHz7SQ