Who needs fake news when we have this week’s tabloids to tell us what they think is happening in the private lives of celebrities, based on appearances alone?
TV news doyen Barbara Walters “has three months to live,” claims the ‘Globe,’ based on a photograph snapped of her on a New York street wearing no makeup – a look that frankly makes many of us appear to have just weeks to live, especially first thing in the morning after a heavy night out.
She has reportedly not appeared in public for months, “triggering fears the legendary TV news-gal is battling fatal Alzheimer’s disease.” Since when was not being pictured by paparazzi considered a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s?
Tom Cruise “may be taking medication for an unknown illness,” reports the ‘Globe,’ based on a recent photo that seems to show his face looking slightly plumper than usual. Sure, he could have gained weight, and still looks 20 years younger than his 54 years, but the ‘Globe’ ropes in a tame doctor – who has not treated the actor – to say: “This bloated look could likely be the result of a medical issue that he’s dealing with.” Likely? Seriously? Trust the ‘Globe’ to suspect a mystery illness, when most wild speculation would focus on cosmetic fillers, or Cruise simply enjoying an extra burger with fries between filming movies.
Brad Pitt is also hiding a “mystery illness” claims the ‘National Examiner,’ which reports that the actor was photographed entering the offices of a top infectious disease specialist in Beverly Hills, California. Of course, it’s perfectly natural for an actor preparing to film in exotic climes to have vaccinations against various tropical diseases, but for the ‘Examiner it’s a sure sign that Pitt has some dread illness.
For good measure, the ‘Examiner’ claims that actor Liam Neeson is looking a little thin these days, and thus diagnoses him as “dying of a broken heart,” still mourning the loss of wife Natasha Richardson in 2009. Because that’s the sort of decisive psychiatric diagnosis that the ‘Examiner’ crack team of medically-trained journalists is qualified to make.
O.J. Simpson, serving time in a Nevada jail on kidnapping charges, is “doing time in diapers,” claims the ‘National Enquirer,’ based solely on a jailhouse letter from a fellow inmate, which seems like an unimpeachable source of accuracy. Making the story even more ludicrous, the ‘Enquirer’ shows a photo of Simpson in his prison jumpsuit, wearing a giant man-size diaper . . . on top of his clothes. You have to search the corner of the photo for the small print confessing “Photo Re-creation,” which still fails to explain why an ‘Enquirer’ photo editor thinks anyone would wear an adult incontinence diaper above of clothing, instead of underneath.
The ‘Enquirer’ continues its dogged hounding of actor Robert J Wagner for allegedly killing wife Natalie Wood, and confronted him “with the truth,” bluntly asking him: “Did you kill Natalie?” Wagner, to his credit, did not assault the reporter, who gleefully reports: “He doesn’t deny killing her!” Because being speechless with indignation is the same as an admission of guilt, in the wonderful world of the tabloids.
In more important geo-political news, the ‘Enquirer’ reports that Kim Kardashian has had “secret butt reduction surgery,” while sister Khloe Kardashian’s derriere has grown to such proportions that “friends feared her titanic tush will explode!” This is based on the incontrovertible evidence of photographs which appear to show Kim’s rear-end looking smaller and Khloe’s appearing larger than usual. Because that’s all the evidence “friends" need to diagnose a case of posterior explosivitis. I am not making this up.
The late Whitney Houston’s family is terrified that deceased daughter Bobbi Kristina’s former lover Nick Gordon will “cash in on a secret trove of videos and photos exposing the dead mother-daughter duo’s “drug-fueled misery,” claims the ‘Enquirer. Do such film and photos even exist? “Nick lived with Whitney and Bobbi Kristina for 10 years,” explains an unnamed insider. “Can you imagine how many photos he’s taken and the video footage he has of them passed out on drugs?” Well, the ‘Enquirer’ can certainly imagine, which evidently is good enough for them in the absence of a single fact.
As I predicted months ago, the ‘Globe’ now claims that Kate Middleton has suffered a miscarriage and lost the twin girls she was expecting. It was an inevitable story, since the ‘Globe’ repeatedly reported that the Duchess of Cambridge was pregnant with twin girls despite all evidence to the contrary, and rather than admit their error, it was inevitable that eventually the mag would claim she had a miscarriage.
Fortunately we have the investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Gisele Bundchen wore it best, TV host Garcelle Beauvais (Who she, Ed?) carries Purell, Slim Jims and an asthma inhaler in her leather Coach cross-body bag, and that the stars are just like us: they play table-tennis, jog with headphones, and check their phones. Thrilling revelations, as usual.
Kourtney Kardashian is giving Scott Disick “another chance” at love, according to the ‘Us’ cover, because there’s nothing more important than a Kardashian’s love life, and Kanye West’s mental breakdown came too late for the tabloids to go into a feeding frenzy this week.
Trust the ‘Examiner’ to bring us the biggest celebrity news of the week: that famously elusive American star Bigfoot “is back, in a big way,’ claims the mag, which claims he has been spotted recently – “as far away as Indonesia.” How Bigfoot managed to get past the NSA and fly undetected to Indonesia is not explained, but the world is filled with mysteries, as well as mystery illnesses, it seems.
Onwards and downwards . . .
