In previous episodes the dying Queen snubbed wife-killing son Charles and gave the Crown to grandson William, Harry and diva Duchess Meghan were exiled to Canada, and scandal-plagued Prince Andrew was imprisoned in the Tower of London.
This week, as the Royal world turns, Prince Harry admits: “I’ve made a terrible mistake. Please Take Me Back!” reports the cover of the ‘National Enquirer.’
Harry, banished to the former colonies for having rebelled against the straightjacket of Royal life, has allegedly seen the error of his ways.
“Homesick Harry Begs Forgiveness” of the Queen, reports the rag, which adds that the Prince “made a groveling call to Her Majesty. He told her he was sorry for the humiliation she suffered and only wanted to protect his wife and son.”
Like any deeply-flawed soap opera hero, Harry has stabbed his wife in the back and “blamed Meghan” for the family rift.
Is the Queen feeding all this inside scoop to the tabloids? Was it really Prince Charles who shot J.R.? Enquiring minds want to know.
But wait – Just when viewers think they know what’s happening inside palace walls, ‘People’ magazine comes along to tell us: “Harry speaks out – I have no regrets.”
Harry and Meghan – or is it their evil twins? – are reportedly happily ensconced in Canada where they are enjoying a “more peaceful life.” How their recent private jet trip to Miami to rub shoulders with J. Lo and A-Rod at a JP Morgan financial summit for a reported $1 million pay-day fits in with a “peaceful life” goes unexplained.
As in any good soap opera, the plot twists comes thick and fast.
“Queen Turns Andrew Over to FBI!” screams the cover of the ‘Globe.’
No, Her Majesty didn’t cuff her son and have him extradited to a black ops site by an extraordinary rendition team.
But like a scheming Royal Alexis Carrington, HRH allegedly “Gives FBI Prince Andrew’s Dirty Dossier!”
Because MI6 naturally has a scandal file on Andrew, and gave it to the Queen, because Royalty. And after weeks reporting that Her Majesty is doing everything to protect her second-born son, she has apparently decided to throw him to the wolves. The Queen allegedly handed over Andrew’s “damning dossier,” which “exposes Prince’s role in Epstein sex scandal,” in retaliation for being “publicly shamed and humiliated” by her son’s refusal to cooperate with the Feds. It all makes perfect sense now.
The ‘Globe’ doesn’t say whether Andrew is still under house arrest in the Tower of London, as they claimed in past weeks, or if he’ll be released to walk daughter Princess Beatrice down the aisle when she marries in May.
Back in the real world, the tabloids’ best reporters are getting to the heart of stories that change the way we live, with their usual dedication to journalistic excellence.
“Gwyneth Upsizes Up Top!” reveals the ‘Enquirer,’ displaying a photograph of Gwyneth Paltrow displaying her figure in a body-hugging sweater. The sights of her effulgent mammaries leads the magazine’s medical experts to conclude she’s had a boob job, apparently because it’s inconceivable that she simply bought a new bra and wore a tight top.
In other medical news, the ‘Enquirer’ tells us: “The Signs Point to a New Baby Bieber!” Justin’s wife Hailey Baldwin evidently was photographed wearing a baggy t-shirt and placing a hand on her stomach, which as any medical expert can tell you is incontrovertible proof that she’s pregnant.
“Hollywood bombshell” screams an ‘Enquirer’ headline accompanying the story: “Blake & Gwen Split!” Singers Shelton and Stefani have done nothing of the sort, of course. The story ultimately reveals that the couple “are about to go their separate ways for work,” because Gwen is starting a Las Vegas residency while Blake heads out on a US tour. Just like thousands of professional musicians who are temporarily parted by their working schedule. Or, as the ‘Enquirer’ puts it: “Separate lives pushed them to the brink.” Right.
“Ryan O’Neal Is Losing His Grip!” proclaims an ‘Enquirer’ headline. No, he hasn’t lost his mind. He allegedly suffers “stiff hands – which are often numb.” There’s truth in advertising for you.
The ‘Enquirer’ continues with its third week of naming “America’s Dirty Clergy” with another two dense pages of “sexual predators from the Catholic Church” arrayed in small print – and we’re still only up to Kentucky in this alphabetical parade through the 50 states. At this rate it will be March before they’re through naming the “pervy priests,” most of whom are long dead. It’s about as interesting as reading the phone book, but less informative.
The Academy Awards predictably occupies a respectable six glossy pages of ‘Us’ magazine, but ‘People’ magazine goes into star-loving overdrive, dedicating a staggering 34 pages to its Oscars coverage, because you can never get enough photographs of celebrities in borrowed jewelry and free gowns from couture designers who have them under contract.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Bebe Rexha wore it best, that actress Alison Pill carries essential oils, skin balm and a script binder in her Fjallraven backpack, and that the stars are just like us: they work out, hail cabs, feed parking meters and snap Instagramable photos. Enlightening, as ever.
This week’s ’25 Things You Don’t Know About Me’ feature in “Us’ mag is for once actually filled with things we really don’t know about Kirstie Alley and prove why she’s our favorite Celebrity Most Likely to Join A Cult.
Among the personal revelations: Kirstie confesses that she will “throw up if I eat black-eyed peas,” thinks “the word ‘crap’ is gross but I think the word ‘f**k’ is lovely,” imagines a “secret fake life” where she’s “20 years old and married to Justin Bieber,” has nightmares about “saltwater crocodiles,” will only sleep on wrinkle-free sheets and “my pillowcases must be ironed,” claims: “I feel normal when loved ones visit me after they die,” and would “rather watch 20/20 than get laid.”
And they say that Scientologists don’t have a grip on reality.
Onwards and downwards . . .