Already regretting assigning Bret Easton Ellis to review Minecraft's photorealistic texture pack

Rob Beschizza 6:00 am Wed Jul 31, 2019

My name is Herobine. I am twenty-six years old. I live in a data entity resembling an ultramodernist residence at x: 68;y: 73; z: 636 in the seed -98734659879863346. I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet of fish, bread and cake, and a rigorous exercise routine of jumping up voxel hills.

In the morning, if my face is a little pixelated, I'll put on a diamond helmet while farming my generators. I can get 100 levels a day now. After I remove the diamond helmet, I eat four apples. In the cave below my house, I clear out any mobs, then collect and throw all the rotten meat into the small lava pond beside it.

Then I apply a potion of regeneration which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use antidote potions with little or no alcohol because alcohol dries your textures out and makes you look older. Then elixir, then eye drops, followed by a final moisturizing tonic potion…

There is an idea of a Herobrine, some kind of abstraction lost in the thousands of hours you have abandoned to this game, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can see me fleetingly from a distance and feel fear gripping you and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.

PREVIOUSLY

Already regretting assigning J.G. Ballard to cover the Fyre Festival
Already regretting assigning Cormac McCarthy to report on the video of an entire pack of Boston Dynamics robot dogs
Already regretting assigning the new MacBook Pro review to Borges
Already regretting assigning the Chelsea Clinton story to Frank Herbert
Already regretting assigning Anthony Burgess to review the Samsung Galaxy Fold

Enjoy a relaxing half hour compilation of rain scenes in videogames

Jez Burrows edited this "supercut of video game characters taking a break from solving crime or shooting people to enjoy a meditative minute of miserable weather." "It's Rain in Games,… READ THE REST
Peculiarities and miscellanea of the Street Fighter series

Capcom's Street Fighter is one of the most famous and expansively franchised games in history, rolling mercilessly on since 1987. RAE compiled an exhaustive collection of miscellaneous details, from hidden… READ THE REST
Non-Euclidean game worlds

Code Parade (also on itch.io) is developing a "hyperbolic" 3D game engine (download) where a line is not necessarily the shortest path between two places. I was impressed by the… READ THE REST
Short Post, just one paragraph

Dessert cheesecake wafer bear claw fruitcake. Fruitcake chupa chups donut candy canes marzipan. Apple pie sweet roll tart chocolate cake macaroon marshmallow carrot cake gummi bears sweet. Pastry sugar plum… READ THE REST
Save 50% on a 1-year subscription to Dashlane's premium password manager

We all know vital information about ourselves and our private digital accounts can be compromised by cybercriminals. However, many would be frightened to know just how compromised they and their… READ THE REST
The Bite Helper removes the itch of a mosquito bite in seconds

While mosquitoes have certainly earned their title as the deadliest animal on earth, their impact on most of our lives is usually a lot less consequential. But even though they… READ THE REST