Jezebel apologizes for hiring Cannibal Witch as writer-at-large

Jezebel says it has learned that its recent hire, Cannibal Witch, who often tweets about her propensity for eating children, is in fact a cannibal.

“We should not have hired Cannibal Witch, an elegant writer and thinker who, we have come to believe, after serious consideration, does indeed eat children,” says the site.

In our interactions with Cannibal Witch, she had been unfailingly polite—and sharp as a tack, to boot. We believed she would bring new life to our site and challenge our readers.

However, it was after Cannibal Witch’s recent appearance on Lou Dobbs’s podcast, Dobb Knobbin’ with Lou Dobbs—during which she discussed having eaten children as recently as today—that we have decided to part ways. The language she used to describe eating children made it clear to us that her original tweets about eating children did, in fact, represent her carefully considered diet of children.