Being rich might not buy you happiness, but it can get you out of prison pretty damn fast, even if you kill four people. In the holy-shit-what’s-gonna-kill-us-today fast-paced world that we live in, it’s easy to forget about a Grey Poupon stain like Ethan Couch. Here’s his thing, point by point:
- Back in 2013, the then 16-year old stole booze from a Walmart (classy!) and proceeded to drink. When he was later captured by the police, his BAC was three times the legal limit. Couch also had Valium in his system that day, making for a pretty powerful cocktail. Intoxicated, Couch slammed into a car with his pickup truck, at top speed. All four people in the car were killed.
- Couch’s high-falootin’ rich dude lawyer managed to get him off with 10 years of probation. The lawyer cited the fact that the lad’s family was so loaded that he’d grown up rich enough to be shielded from having to learn about right and wrong.
- Apparently, he was also too rich to be able to stand the horrors of probation in all the luxury that money can afford. He and his mother, Tonya, took off to Mexico in an attempt to keep him from having to serve the rest of his “sentence.”
- The Feds came to Mexico, gathered up the pair, and brought them back to the United States. Fun Fact: Tonya Couch didn’t go to jail for helping her son flee his probation. Money’s AMAZING!
- Dylan was finally sentenced to jail. The Justice system works! Wait, he only got sentenced to 720 days for killing four people and then fleeing his probation what the fu–
OK, we’re up to speed, save one thing: According to Newsweek, he’s gonna be getting out of jail this month. Just in time for his 21st birthday, as a matter of fact. He’ll legally be allowed to buy and drink booze. I went digging to see what else I could find on the story. The Internet is awash with stories of how his time inside has made him into a changed man and that the friends of the people he killed have forgiven him. It’s such a transformation! It’s also very likely the best damage control and PR that the family’s money could buy. I’m not saying that time served incarcerated won’t change you. But I’m yelling from the rooftops that the number of stories about how this troubled young white man – because that’s what you are when you do shit like Couch did, but come from the right family – has been redeemed are truly beyond the pale.
Last month, I plopped a post on the site about a fella named Herman Wallace. He was a well-educated black man who was forced to serve a life sentence, in solitary confinement, for a murder that he didn’t commit. Couch got 120 days for each person he killed. I just don’t know what to tell ya.
Image via Flickr, courtesy of Kirsten Loza