"And I’m proud to say that when we get there, it will be as the Alt-Warmth. Just think: under the old name, we couldn’t even get anybody elected dogcatcher."
Over the years, this movement has stood for many things, but our North Star has always been that puppies, and specifically the triglycerides present in puppy fat, hold untapped potential as a highly efficient and renewable source of energy. People often ask me whether we have any scientific research backing our claim, usually right before they accuse us of being monsters. Well, of course we don’t. But is it any wonder? Good luck getting funding for rigorous, legitimate scientific research when most people — including the very people who issue these types of grants — are immediately reluctant to embrace a movement that just comes right out and clearly states its primary purpose: to light live puppies on fire and use the resulting energy to heat residences and office buildings. Humanely.Moreover, the name “Puppy Burning Movement,” while technically accurate, conveys a simplistic and, frankly, incomplete version of our goals. We’re not out here just looking to fill a school bus with puppies and gasoline, and drive it into a ravine filled with matches and old tires. That’s not us. That’s not who we are. That’s who the people of the Frivolous Puppy Murder Movement are, and as far as I can tell they have no larger policy aspirations whatsoever. The whole thing appears to be pointless. (But maybe that’s just me being judgmental because I’m unable to look past their name. See what I’m saying?) We, on the other hand, have no qualms with puppies per se; we just insist that their highest and best use is as a source of clean, renewable energy for human consumption. The new name makes that clear.
WHY I AM CHANGING THE NAME OF OUR PUPPY-BURNING MOVEMENT TO “ALT-WARMTH”
[Pete Reynolds/McSweeneys]
(via Kottke)
