Pete Reynolds in McSweeney’s, proving that humor is a better source of news than the news is: “I refuse to support special interest groups whose sole mission is to profit from putting weapons into the hands of people, if those people are Syrians.”
That’s why, as long as I’m your governor, I vow to do everything in my power to prevent Syrians from shooting you while you are at the mall. No Syrians will enter a movie theater and start shooting you. Syrians will not shoot you at church, or in a restaurant, as long as I am governor. College campuses also will not be places where it will be okay to be shot by Syrians. As your governor, I will ensure that no Syrians enter your child’s elementary school and start shooting your child.
Here are some other places where I will not tolerate American citizens getting shot by Syrians: community centers; school cafeterias; hair salons; nursing homes; office buildings; night clubs; temples; supermarkets; lecture halls; dorms; trains; house parties; playgrounds; post offices; front yards. If anyone at any of these locations were ever shot by Syrians, I would take swift and decisive action to protect our citizens from ever again being shot by Syrians.
This is how you know that I am concerned about your safety: no Syrians.
AS YOUR GOVERNOR, I WILL PROTECT YOU FROM MASS SHOOTERS IF THEY ARE SYRIAN.
[Pete Reynolds/McSweeneys]
(Thanks, Fipi Lele!)