President Obama visited the Alaskan fishing village of Dillingham Wednesday, where he “sampled some salmon jerky, talked to the residents about climate change, and met an amorous salmon which jizzed all over his mukluks,” Wonkette writes.
The fish’s negligent discharge occurred while the president was getting a look at the villagers’ traditional fishing methods; after holding up one fine specimen that he pronounced “a nice-looking fish right there,” Obama was invited to grab a second fish, which had apparently been waiting for this moment since the 2008 primaries. With one mighty Piscean ejaculation, the salmon instantly supplanted the National Review’s “little starbursts” for Sarah Palin as the most excessive declaration of love for a politician.