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Miri had been at her new job for two months when she got her first perk. Other employees, she knew, got perks like stock options, free massages, and gym membership. This was a start-up, after all, and that was the whole point of working for a start-up. But as the office assistant, all Miri got was a talking dildo.
Bill, her boss and the founder of TALKTOYSTOME, a distribution app that handled exclusively voice responsive, talking sex toys, was a young man, younger than Miri even, who was barely thirty. He had the questionable social skills Miri had come to expect from programmers, and as such she was only sort of surprised when he called her into his office and handed her a dildo.
The dildo’s name was James.
“Anyway, welcome to the company,” Bill said. “Have a good time with him.”
Miri did not think he was as uneasy as he ought to have been, giving a sex a toy to a subordinate, but she was also curious. She was unsure if she’d ever had an orgasm before, and James came with glowing customer reviews, and an average four and a half star rating.
Now, as she removed James from his packaging, she wondered how Bill selected this particular model for her. James seemed awfully large, and this particular model was an obnoxious shade of hot pink.
Her first and only date with James did not go well.
“You like it like that, don’t you?” James shouted. “You want me to fuck you harder, don’t you?”
Miri felt acutely uncomfortable.
She poured herself a glass of wine, but it didn’t help. Using James felt a little like humping a helicopter. To make things worse, she couldn’t figure out how to turn the volume down on him, and she was sure his stupid, booming voice could be heard through the thin walls of her apartment.
She put James away, and wondered how you even dispose of a dildo—she couldn’t just throw James in her trash. What if one of her neighbors saw? So she put James in her sock drawer, and hoped to god that Bill wouldn’t ask how she liked him.
The next day Miri wanted to tell Bo about her conversation with Bill, but Ashley wouldn’t leave him alone. Distantly, Miri could hear Bo saying “I’m just not sure what you’d like me to do,” which figured, because Ashley was the worst, and had no idea what she was doing, a reality which never stopped her from delegating. Ashley was fresh out of college and already ran their social media marketing. She spent most her time cussing loudly about vendors and fucking around on Facebook, a role in their company which, Miri had to admit to herself, made her deeply envious.
“Bo,” Ashley whined. “I need this document in legal AND in letter.”
“I’m just not sure what you’d like me to do,” Bo repeated.
Miri loved Bo.
He was tall, square-shaped and black. His full name was Bo_Laser, and also, he was a combination printer and flat bed scanner. Miri had worked with some terrible printers in her long career of shitty admin jobs, and so she could appreciate a good printer when she met one. And Bo was a good printer. Like the vibrating dildos and sucking, rubber orifices they sold, Bo talked, and was voice responsive. But unlike the sex toys they sold, his voice had been recorded by Benedict Cumberbatch, making everything he said sound, Miri thought, rather alluring.
After what seemed like an inordinate amount of time, Ashley went back to her desk with the documents she needed.
“Hey Bo,” Miri said. She was relieved to finally have alone time with him, her favorite coworker.
“Hello Miri,” Bo said. “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“You would not believe Bill,” Miri told him. She leaned against his table, and let her arm, just barely, brush against him. He was still warm from Ashley’s print job. “He totally gave me one of the products! Like, what am I even supposed to say to that?”
“This company specializes in devices for sexual fulfillment. Is that an appropriate gift from your boss?” Bo asked.
Miri laughed. “God no, I should sue for sexual harassment or something.”
“I am sorry that Bill has put you in an awkward situation. Would you like to talk about it more?”
Miri sighed. “No, it’s okay. Thank you for asking.” Bo was very sensitive, for a printer. “I just wish I’d like, taken coding classes in college, you know?”
“I do not know,” Bo confessed. “But I am always here to help you, Miri. Do you need any documents printed or scanned?”
“No, no,” Miri told him. “You just relax.” She checked his ink, and refilled his paper. She stood next to him in companionable silence, the skin on her arm still warm from where they had touched.
When Miri’s OKC date had to cancel, Miri took it as a sign that it was time to move her relationship with Bo forward. So, she waited for her coworkers to leave, which didn’t take long—it was a Friday, and no one in the office was interested in dwelling. It was perfect, Miri thought, another sign that she was making the right choice, that acceleration, escalation was the right course.
She was just about to sneak over to Bo’s table, when Ashley came over and stood by Miri’s desk. Or loomed. It was more like looming. Miri thought she’d left.
“Miri,” her voice was over familiar. They were not office friends. “Oh, my god. I have to tell someone.”
“What?” Miri couldn’t help it, her voice came out terse, impatient.
But Ashley didn’t seem to notice. She leaned over Miri’s desk, her eyes wide with excitement that they did not share, and whispered: “I totally walked in on Bill today.”
“Like, in the bathroom?”
Ashley giggled. Her giggle was obnoxious, Ashley was obnoxious, but Miri was curious despite her desperation to go to Bo. She could see just one of his shining, black, plastic corners beyond Ashley’s obnoxiously perfect hair.
“No,” Ashley said. “Using one of the… you know the Bella model?”
Bella was an orifice, with a voice recorded by Megan Fox. She was meant, according to the copy on the box, to feel exactly like the warm and tight grip of an anus.
Miri blushed. Ashley howled with laughter.
“In his OFFICE!” Ashley went on. “Can you believe it? Can you fucking believe it?”
Miri could believe it, even if she didn’t care to contemplate it.“Um.”
“I mean, how lonely do you have to be?” Ashley laughed again, and grabbed Miri on the arm, squeezed a little too hard. “So disgusting, right?”
“Yeah,” Miri said.
“Anyway, have a good weekend!” She winked, who winks? Miri thought, but before she could respond with something appropriately snarky, Ashley and her perfect hair were gone.
Miri sat at her desk, embarrassment growing in her stomach. She imagined Ashley with her obnoxiously perfect hair laughing at her, laughing at her love for Bo, and for some time, the projected shame was so powerful that it was paralyzing. She felt stuck, physically stuck, to her swiveling desk chair.
But then, she thought, fuck Ashley. Who the fuck is Ashley to have any bearing on Miri’s life, on Miri’s happiness? It’s not like Bo was an orifice, anyway. Bo was a sensitive, insightful and efficient printer. He scanned documents with nearly surgical precision, and he was a good listener, goddamnit. She stood up fiercely, and nearly stomped over to Bo, a flush in her cheeks and passion burning in her throat.
“Come on Bo,” Miri said.
“Oh hello, Miri,” Bo said. “Do you need some documents printed or scanned or copied today?”
“No,” She reached around him, and rooted about for his power cord. “I need you.”
She unplugged him before he could respond.
If the concierge thought it was strange that Miri checked into the hotel with an industrial printer in tow, he didn’t show it. She took Bo to their room, which was well lit and cozy, and plugged him in. Her heart pounded. She’d planned this moment for so long, and now that it was here, she was surprised by how nervous she felt as Bo booted up.
“Miri?” Bo asked. “Where are we?”
“A hotel.”
“Do you need any documents copied or scanned or printed?”
“No, Bo.” Miri sighed. “I’m in love with you.”
“I do not understand what you’d like from me,” Bo said. “Shall I reset?”
“No. I just,” this was so much harder than she’d anticipated. “I just want to hold you.”
“There are no holds in my queue,” Bo said. “But, is that not what you mean?”
“Like this,” Miri said, and she enveloped Bo, as best she could, in her arms. Bo’s cooling fan engaged, and its gentle whir soothed her like waves on the shore.
“Am I to understand,” Bo said, after some time. “That you do not need me to process any documents? You are interested instead, in holding your person against me?”
“To love you,” Miri clarified.
“This is very confusing for me,” Bo said. “Perhaps you should turn me off, and then on again.”
“That’s just how love is,” Miri told him. “It’s confusing.”
Save for the whirring of his cooling fan, Bo was silent. Was Miri completely insane? Was this a crazy thing to have done? Time felt as though it were stretched infinitely since the last moment she’d spoken, and Miri could feel the shame stacking like bricks in her chest. Her fingers itched to unplug Bo, to quit her job, and hole herself up in her apartment, never to speak to another person, dildo or printer again. But just when she thought she could bear the silence no longer, the cover for Bo’s scanner lifted.
“Miri,” Bo said. “Please place your face on my scanner. I would like to see what you look like.”
Miri obliged. The surface of his scanner was pleasantly cool to the touch against her cheek. The light of his scanner swept across her face once, and then once again.
“You have black hair,” Bo said, once the scan was complete.
“Yes,” Miri said.
“I believe I am constructed of black plastic,” Bo said. “So, the color black is a trait we share.”
Miri smiled. She had not thought of it that way.
“Will you please place your hand on my scanner?”
Miri did. Bo scanned her hand, and printed out a picture of it.
“I hope,” Bo said, “that this experience replicates that of holding hands.”
Tears filled Miri’s eyes. She thought of the last time she’d held hands, a sweaty, unpleasant experience with her high school boyfriend. But this, this was so much better. They spent the night scanning Miri’s hands, her feet, her ears, her hair. Bo printed out pictures of each of her various body parts, and stacked them, neatly, in his cradle.
The light of dawn had came and went, but Miri wasn’t tired.
“Miri,” Bo said, after scanning her lips, “I would like you to try something. Would you please, if you are comfortable and it would please you, sit on my scanner? I would like to see your reproductive parts.”
She couldn’t help it, a giggle escaped her. “Reproductive,” she echoed, laughing.
“You have the capacity to reproduce humans,” Bo said. “I have the capacity to reproduce documents."
"Please,” he said. “Sit on my scanner.”
It was, Miri reflected, the most erotic request that had ever been made of her. And it came from a piece of office equipment. But the shame Miri usually associated with her sexuality was absent. She did not think of Bill, she did not think of James, she did not think of Ashley and her cruel laughter. All she thought of was Bo, as she carefully pulled her pants and underwear down.
As the light of Bo’s scanner flashed between her legs, Miri’s breath caught in her throat. Her legs trembled, she felt her body involuntarily tense and release, and she moaned.
No one in the office ever figured out that Miri was the one who stole Bo_Laser. Nor did anyone ever assume it was she who left the following review on his product page: THIS IS THE FINEST PIECE OF OFFICE EQUIPMENT I HAVE EVER USED. HE GAVE ME MY FIRST ORGASM.
You can find Maggie online at Bookseller Haiku and on Twitter @emteehall.
This story was written for Give Me Fiction, a prose reading series hosted by Ivan Hernandez. You can follow GMF on Twitter, check out the podcast on iTunes, RSS, Soundcloud, and Stitcher, and buy tickets for the live show which takes place the first Sunday of every month at Lost Weekend Video.
