News broke today that Bravo was headed into scripted television territory, and that’s the positive news. (Holding out on calling it “good news” until I see the actual shows.) But then there was this: a reboot of the movie Heathers. As you can imagine, the blogosphere (at least the writers who are Heathers fans) was not thrilled about this news. But fortunately, the movie itself has provided a whole slew of reactions for us! Let’s take a look at a bunch of quotes from the movie that can now be reissued as pre-reviews of this very dumb reboot idea. The best part is that we don’t even need context from the plot!
The Hollywood Reporter says that the reboot will actually be more of a sequel, focusing on Veronica (Winona Ryder’s character, who will probably not be played by Ryder, so this is already a bad idea) returning to Sherwood 20 years after the events of the movie with a teenage daughter. That daughter must now contend with not Heathers, but Ashleys. I think we can rule this out as “shower-nozzle masturbation material,” but here is a list of more fitting phrases, starting with the most obvious:
“Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?”
“What’s the up-chuck factor on that?”
“Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw.”
“This isn’t just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.”
“I got paid in puke.”
The original movie, speaking to the reboot: “You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout Cookie.”
Similarly: “You’re a rebel? You think you’re a rebel? You’re not a rebel you’re fucking psychotic!”
Addressed to Bravo, for jumping on the reboot train: “If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?”
For those resigned to this thing happening: “I like it. It’s got that what-a-cruel-world-let’s-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambience.”
This quote, Mad libs edition: “Your society nods its head at any horror the American [television industry] can think to bring upon itself.”
Also: “[Bravo], why are you pulling my dick?”
And: “What is your damage, [Bravo]?”
But the best quote from Heathers to serve as a reaction to a reboot of Heathers: “Gross.”
I don’t like to assume that all reboots are automatically bad. I don’t think they’re necessary, and I think they’re a sign of a serious lack/fear of originality. But if something ends up being at least a good movie, I can’t be that upset about it. This, on the other hand, should not be allowed to happen. This, in my opinion, is up there with Akira as far as bad remakes go. But at least the Akira remake is defunct (for the moment).
Quotes found at IMDb.
Bravo Developing ‘Heathers’ Reboot, 4 More Scripted Dramas (Exclusive) [The Hollywood Reporter]