From Borowitz Report: “NYPD spokesman Frank Hannefy explained the controversial decision to arrest Occupy Wall Street protesters while leaving the people who had brought the nation’s economy to the brink of Armageddon unmolested. ‘As far as soulless individuals pillaging the country for their personal gain, that’s none of our business,’ he said. ‘But we’ll be damned if we’re going to let people march on newly seeded grass.”