The best part of this story from TimesOnline, about the “therapeutic ringtone” craze currently seizing Japan, isn’t the fact that there are ringtones that allege to adrenalize you, ringtones that allege to improve your skin tone (“through the power of alpha waves”) or ringtones that allege to “cause pollen lodged [in the sinuses] to fall from the nasal cavity.” The best part isn’t even that the guy behind the concept is the same guy who came up with a synthetic mosquito drone which is inaudible to people over 60 but useful for discouraging teenagers from “congregating in parks at midnight.” These are just gravy. The really beautiful part of the story is the awesomely disingenuous endorsement offered by a spokesperson for Index, the mobile phone company that peddles the wonder tones: While it’s true that there’s a scarcely a shred of research to indicate any basis for the claims that the sounds do anything, “The number of downloads suggests the ringtones must be working to a certain extent.” This is exactly the kind of logic that suggests Shake Shack must have the best burgers in New York because the lines are so long, and it needs to be enshrined in the Hall of Fame for Business Doublespeak.