Maggie Koerth-Baker is a guest blogger on Boing Boing. A freelance science and health journalist, Maggie lives in Minneapolis, brain dumps on Twitter, and writes quite often for mental_floss magazine.
It is not as simple as merely being able to count to three paces. Take it from Edward Sackville, Earl of Dorset; a duelist who followed every fine tradition that accompanied killing someone over a bruised ego, came away a winner (i.e., alive), and still managed to end up with a bit of egg on his face.
First: Get Embroiled in a Love Triangle
Lord Edward Bruce loved Venetia Stanley. But so did Edward Sackville. This being 1613, the disagreement quickly turned to impassioned slapping, which was, of course, an invitation to duel to the death.
Second: Evade the Wrath of Frustratingly Anti-Duelist Political Leaders
Besides commissioning a translation of the Bible, England’s King James I is also well-known for disliking the “barbaric” traditions of dueling. (Progressive leader, or pansy worried about losing? You be the judge.) In fact, he banned duels in England during his reign, so when Lord Bruce and the Earl of Dorset wanted to fight, they had to take the grudge match overseas. Naturally, they chose Holland.
Third: Die With Dignity
It is a shame pay-per-view was not around in those days, because the fight turned out to be pretty evenly matched, with both men severely wounding each other. Finally, though, the Earl managed to stab Bruce straight through…twice. After that, Bruce was pretty much done for, and the fight broke up so both sides could seek medical attention. But, while the Earl was busy with his wounds, Bruce’s doctor attacked him from behind. This was not looked upon kindly by either contestant. At the time, doctors were thought of as little better than maids, and Bruce couldn’t bear being avenged by someone so low on the social totem pole. From his deathbed, he demanded that the “rascal” doctor halt the attack and, thus, died honorably…if somewhat pointlessly.
Fourth: Survive, But Wonder Whether Perhaps You Missed a Step Somewhere
Victorious, the Earl of Dorset headed back to England to claim is lady love … Only to find out that, while he and Bruce had been busy paying attention to each other, Venetia Stanley had gone off and married somebody else.
You can read about three other noteworthy historical duels–involving, respectively, two high-class ladies; the founder of the Royal Society of the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals; and George W. Bush–in my book, Be Amazing