My friend Eric Spitznagel took on the Bigfoot beat for Vanity Fair and filed: “Everything’s Bigfoot in Texas.” From the Texas Bigfoot Conference in Jefferson, Texas, he reports:
Drawing on interviews with dozens of eye-witnesses, [Sasquatch expert Dr. Henner] Fahrenbach went on to say that Bigfoot’s diet is rich in mussels, clams, peacocks, and the “hindquarter” of deer. He insisted that Bigfoots enjoy wrestling, tickle fights, and, most surprisingly, gangbangs. He assured us that even a horny Sasquatch has an impeccable sense of orgy etiquette.
“When an especially large male came onto the scene,” Fahrenbach said, describing a sexual pileup involving one willing female and lots of dudes, “he didn’t try to buck the line but simply stood there and took his turn in good time.”
In the beginning of his lecture, there was some nervous giggling from those in the audience. After a while, they just stared at Fahrenbach, a few with jaws agape. Somewhere in the back row, a woman turned to her husband and whispered, “I can’t tell if he’s kidding.”
It’s been a rough few months for Bigfoot true believers.
“Everything’s Bigfoot in Texas.” (Illustration credit: John Hogan.)