The SFGate Morning Fix is a mailing-list that highlights the day’s stories from the Chronicle. I forget who turned me on to it, but I just can’t put it away. Mark Morford, the Fix’s editor, has a marvellous poison pen, just this side of shrill, and while I rarely find anything new in the Fix, I do love to read Morford’s run-on vitriolic take on the day’s news:
“Caltech really needed
something to get behind,” said physics major Erica Nicole Eber,
apparently not making a witty pun about her butt because she’s like,
studying physics or something and is hence entirely devoid of irony or
sex. “When you go to basketball games when we’re not cheering, it’s so
quiet you can hear the players spit,” which is a charming thing to say.
The elite school’s original cheer squad disappeared along with their
football team in the 1970s, as well it should have. Eber founded the new
squad two years ago to bring some enthusiasm back to campus, along with
bouncy skirts and annoying perkiness. But in March of last year, dressed
in white and orange uniforms decorated with Caltech’s beaver mascot, the
squad won first place in the Division II Co-Ed/Jr. College category at
the Cheerleaders of America West Coast Open competition in Irvine,
beating out the CalPoly Sloths in front of a roaring crowd of roughly 27
semi-drunk parents and a handful of senior citizens bussed in from the
nearby rest home who were told they were going to see Regis and who
became terribly frightened…Doughy overlord Dick Cheney jokes with Jay Leno about hiding in his undisclosed
location like a hairless-cat-stroking, thinly veiled fearmongering
puppeteer. Defense Secretary and reputed crocodile Donald H. Rumsfeld
chuckles as David Letterman’s mom urges him to “put the hammer” on Osama
bin Laden because isn’t that so funny and cute and never mind the bile
and the hate. First Lady and noted hollow mannequin/useless prop Laura
Bush, who is about as compelling as a sack of wet lima beans, made light
of the president’s tussle with a pretzel when she appeared on Leno’s
“Tonight Show”; he’s practicing “safe snacks” now, she cracked, in a
weak joke carefully scripted three weeks ago by 16 different Shrub
handlers. And Secretary of State Colin Powell fielded questions on MTV,
upsetting some conservatives when he endorsed condoms for sexually
active young people, as opposed to the usual massive guilt and
back-alley abortions and a lifetime of sexual misinformation and angst
and dysfunction, which is just about the only mildly independent thought
the administration allows him nowadays, given how he’s been almost
entirely castrated by the Bush/Cheney/Ashcroft Triumvirate O’ Sneering
Pain.
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